Jokes Spammers Sent Me

For a good while, certain spammers were putting jokes in their emails to help the emails get through the spam filters. These are all collected from spam emails.

Makes me want to go through my spam email again!

Comebacks For The Question "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"

1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiance is awaiting parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply ... for single moms) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Jokes of the Day

1. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
2. When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
3. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
4. How did a fool and his money GET together?
5. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
6. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
7. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
8. What's another word for thesaurus?
9. What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit?
10. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
11. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
12. Do blind eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs?
13. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
14. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
15. How come wrong numbers are never busy?
16. Do radioactve cats have 18 half-lives?
17. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
18. Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?
19. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
20. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
21. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
22. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
23. How can there be self-help groups?
24. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
25. If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
26. If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
27. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
28. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
29. Is there another word for synonym?

Marriage quotes

1. Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
2. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
3. Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
4. Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
5. Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
6. Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. John Lyly
7. Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
8. May you never leave your marriage alive.
9. May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.
10. Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
11. Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
12. Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
13. Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. Cass Daley
14. Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
15. Marriage is a rest period between romances.
16. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
17. Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.
18. Marriage is an institution but who wants to live in an institution?
19. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
20. Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
21. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
22. May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
23. May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.
24. May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
25. Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing,
26. My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.
27. My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

The Female Rules

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule 5.

Injun Trouble

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh my God! we're going to be millionaires!"

Christmas Jokes

1. How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!
2. What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
3. Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage? Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
4. What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
5. What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.
6. What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
7. What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? Okay everyone, sack time!
8. What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!
9. What's the most popular wine at Christmas? "I don't like sprouts" !
10. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!
11. Why do birds fly south for the winter ? Because it's to far to walk.
12. What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? Forty feet of track - all straight!
13. What kind of bird can write? A PENguin.
14. How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct? On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
15. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claus!
16. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
17. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
18. Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho.
19. Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
20. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood.
21. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
22. If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate claus.
23. Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.
24. Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E? Because the angel had said, "No L!"
25. What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? Santa caught in a revolving door!

Gross Joke

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

Are you the owner? she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. No he replies, I'm just the manager.

Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.

She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.

I'm afraid I can't, breathes the manager clearly aroused, he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?

Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message.

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

Tell him she says that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

y

If you're like most people, common everyday items look neutral to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example...

• Sponges: Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.
• Web Page: Female, because it's always getting hit on.
• Subway: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
• Hourglass: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
• Hammer: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
• Ziploc Bags: Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.
• Copier: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
• Tire: Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.
• Hot Air Balloon: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
• Remote Control: Female... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this: it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Corporate America

1. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
2. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
3. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
4. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
5. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
6. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
9. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
10. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
11. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
12. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
13. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
14. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
16. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
17. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
18. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
19. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
20. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
21. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
22. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
23. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
24. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
25. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.

Many ways to confuse a roommate

1. Complain of having a terrible virus in your system and cough at your roommate frequently.
2. Tell your roommate that it's your birthday every day.
3. Dye all your underwear lime green.
4. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
5. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
6. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
7. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
8. Leave a marble in your roommate's bed every day.
9. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
10. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
11. Paint your half of the room black.
12. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
13. Shave one eyebrow.
14. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter Gotta save space, twenty times while twitching violently.
15. Put horse radish in your roommate's shoes.
16. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
17. Always flush the toilet three times.
18. While you're roommate is there and you are not, secretly order a pizza up to him using his name.
19. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's Pennsylvania Polka, and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
20. Give him/her an allowance.
21. Listen to radio static.
22. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
23. Cry a lot.
24. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's Email.
25. Talk to yourself loudly in front of your roommate. After a while, begin discussing your roommate with yourself.
26. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
27. Take your roommate's pillow and put a water balloon inside of it.
28. Play blackjack with yourself and scream loudly about your losses when you bust.
29. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
30. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
31. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
32. Call safety and security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
33. Follow him/her around on weekends.
34. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
35. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

Jokes For Men

• If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
• What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
• Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.
• Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
• How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
• Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
• Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
• How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."
• How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there is a clock on the oven.
• Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
• Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" And I said, "Dust!"
• In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
• Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
• A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Glad I Am A Man

The Hearing Aid

The Old Lady

Pondering Old Age

9 types of boyfriends

1. Flinchy I'm sorry for whatever it was I did. Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
   Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
   Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
2. Bigfoot Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin. Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
   Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
   Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
3. Joe Sensitive After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK? Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
   Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
   Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
4. Old Man Grumpus People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV. Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
   Advantages: Stays put; predictable
   Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ars
5. Lazybones Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
   Advantages: Well rested; easy target
   Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
6. The Sneak Who, me? Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
   Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
   Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
7. Ace of Hearts After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
   Advantages: Perpetually aroused
   Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
8. The Dreamer Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but ... Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
   Advantages: Tells good stories
   Disadvantages: Will turn into Old Man Grumpus
9. Mr. Right While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok? Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
   Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
   Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

Men are like ...

1. Men are like newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
2. Men are like computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
3. Men are like power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
4. Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
5. Men are like shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
6. Men are like vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
7. Men are like road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
8. Men are like soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
9. Men are like pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
10. Men are like old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
11. Men are like plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
12. Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
13. Men are like placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
14. Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
15. Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
16. Men are like government bonds.They take so long to mature.
17. Men are like parking spots. The good ones are taken.
18. Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
19. Men are like newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
20. Men are like computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
21. Men are like power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
22. Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
23. Men are like shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
24. Men are like vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
25. Men are like road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
26. Men are like soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
27. Men are like pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
28. Men are like old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
29. Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
30. Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
31. Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
32. Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
33. Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
34. Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
35. Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
36. Men are like plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

What Gender is it?

1. Ziploc Bags: Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.
2. Copier: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3. Tire: Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.
4. Hot Air Balloon: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5. Sponges: Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.
6. Web Page: Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7. Subway: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8. Hourglass: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9. Hammer: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10. Remote Control: Female... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this: it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

High School vs. College

1. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
2. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
3. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.
4. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide.
5. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.
6. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
7. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
8. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. Cool kids hadn't heard of it.
9. In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.
10. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.
11. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
12. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
13. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.
14. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
15. In college, weekends start on Thursday.
16. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
17. Once you've obtained the information described in #10, it's much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."
18. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
19. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.
20. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
21. College men are cuter than high school boys.
22. College women are legal.
23. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day.
24. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.

Differences Between You And Your Boss

• When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm.
• When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
• When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping. When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.
• When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
• When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum. When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.
• When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
• When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
• When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
• When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
• When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
• When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.

10 laws of computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

Ctrl,Alt,Delete

Don't you wish when life is bad and things just don't compute, That all we really had to do was stop and hit reboot?
Things would all turn out ok, life could be so sweet If we had those special keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
Your boss is mad, your bills not paid, your wife, well she's just mute Just stop and hit those wonderful keys that make it all reboot
You'd like to have another job but you fear living in the street? You solve it all and start a new, Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.

Murphy's Laws

• The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
• The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
• The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
• The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
• The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
• The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
• The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why.
• The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job.
• The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
• The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
• The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
• The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
• The chaos in the universe always increases.
• The chief cause of problems is solutions.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.
• The deadline is one week after the original deadline.
• The deficiency will never show itself during the test run.
• The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
• The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up.
• The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
• The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
• The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
• The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.
• The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.
• The early worm deserves the bird.
• The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems.
• The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value.
• The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.

A Funny list of Movie Cliches

• A huge wave of water or large ball of fire will always back up to give time for any important characters to run away. This usually happens when the camera angle changes. Disasters that should take 5 seconds can easily take as long as necesary for characters to reach safety. These things usually never effect the hiding spot.
• When two or more people are having a phone conversation, it is never terminated with a "goodbye", they always just hang up after getting to the point.
• Whenever the hero or heroine is injured, it will always be a member of the opposite sex who treats their wounds, especially if the man is the wounded one.
• If a man hits the heroine, she will do nothing for the present but will return near the end to give him a good whack. However, a heroine will never hit the hero back.
• There will be a typical american family. mother prepares breakfast. the child is sat at the table. father will enter and he is late for work with his shirt wrongly buttoned up and his tie not properly tied. he will kiss his wife on the cheek and will grab a slice of toast before rushing out the door with it.
• All archers never run out of arrows
• The entire Alien Species is united under a single ruler/ruling body, not having been divided into different countries or territories.
• The person with special powers never seems to use them for anything fun or practical.
• Lasers are visible in space.
• When a laser misses in space, it ends abruptly instead of continuing to go through space until it hits something else.
• After a ship blows up its debris scatter, but don't damage any other ship despite being large and traveling at high velocities.
• When a scene comes up on a ship yard in space, the debris of the ship stay still, even though their inertia should have carried them through space at a constant velocity.
• When ships lights on fire, the flames are visible in outerspace, even though there's no oxygen.
• Ships always seem to be using propulsion even though it's a waste of energy.
• When spaceships turn suddenly, crew members tend to fall over even though the source of gravity is comming from the floor.
• All Aliens seem to understand human body language (ex shaking head), despite that even humans sometimes have difficulties comprehending the non-verbal communication when confronted with foreign cultures.
• After being removed from a place/artifact that prevents aging, the character's biological progress attains unbelievable speed and he grows old quickly.
• Characters can survive in outer space by holding their breath.
• Characters get frozen when they float in outer space.
• The girls in the locker room shower are always gorgeous, and naked.
• When a guy screws up in a relationship, he'll call his girl a million times, and she will listen to all his messages, but never pick up the phone.
• A group of guys playing cards is always playing poker, drinking beer, and smoking cigars.

The Man's Strategy for Going to the Bathroom

1. Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.
2. Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room
3. Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a 'safe looking' male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
4. If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.
5. Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.
6. Shake it off, put it back in your pants. Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states.
7. Wash hands.
8. Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.
9. Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn't forget anything.
10. Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
11. Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like, Wow, what took you so long.

Business Trip Joke

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead.

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

Golf Joke

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings. The pro says, Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you? The Priest says, Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you.

Trouble Joke

He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine. "Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on, he explained. Oh honey, I'm so sorry, she said. should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came too, he asked, Now what was that for? She replied, Your horse called.

Truisms

• The same guy who removes the cigarette butts from the urinal, also puts the ice in your drinks. Sign by a urinal.
• Those drinking to forget please pay in advance. Sign seen in a bar.
• If you can piss this high, join the fire department. On the wall in the men's restroom at the height of 6 feet at O'Ryan's Irish Pub in Ashland, Oregon.
• If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. Revolution Books in New York, New York.
• What are you looking at the wall for? The joke is in your hands. Men's restroom at Lynagh's in Lexington, Kentucky.
• No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her. Men's room at Linda's Bar and Grill in Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
• Beauty is only a light switch away. Perkin's Library at Duke University in Durham, North Carolina.
• If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. Armand's Pizza in Washington, D.C.
• Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" Rest stop off Route 81 in West Virginia.
• To do is to be-Descartes. To be is to do-Voltaire. Do be do be do-Frank Sinatra Men's restroom at Greasewood Flats in Scottsdale, Arizona.
• If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice. Smokey Joe's in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
• Make love, not war! Hell, do both, get married! Women's restroom at The Filling Station in Bozeman, Montana.

More Truisms

• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
• To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
• Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Wonderings

• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.

More Truths

• The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
• When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
• I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
• When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
• Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
• I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.
• Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
• Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
• This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.
• I went out today and bought everything I've been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.
• The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
• I really feel sorry for Madonna's baby, having to grow without a last name.
• Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?

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